I want to break free
by RGfI
Summary: Set after Alicia kissed Johnny in season 6. Will Gardner died a year ago; and I still find it hard to move on from him, the series is not the same without him. This is my attempt in trying to explain Will and Alicia's complicated relationship. RIP Will Gardner, he will always be missed.


Disclaimer: I'm not the owner of the good wife's charcters that are named here. The story's name is based on Queen song's I want to break free, who fits their relationship a bit in my opinion. This is set after Alicia kissed Johnny in season 6.

**Will Gardner died a year ago; and I still find it hard to move on from him, the series is not the same without him. This is my attempt in trying to explain Will and Alicia's complicated relationship.**

* * *

Alicia walked into her bedroom and threw herself on her bed, sighing. She is very happy right now.

At least she thinks she is.

She finally moved on... From Will.

She kissed someone else, and liked it.

And the greatest thing- she was under control again.

As she likes to be.

As she should be.

As she almost all her life was.

Her greatest decisions and successes came when she was under control, so this is her favorite self. When under control she can criticize, help and support, and that is why she always wants to remain under control.

Never to fall madly in love. It's not the age for it and it's just not appropriate.

Kissing someone spontaneously, for fun- that's okay.

Get emotionally attached to someone so much that you can't handle yourself without him- no.

"I am really happy right now," she muttered to herself, trying her best to believe it with all her heart and her soul. She should believe it.

Truth is, dating Will Gardner was the worst thing she ever did.

It had its many advantages-

She was ridiculously attracted to him, his personality was the complete fit to hers; to anyones, really- if Will Gardner wanted someone to like him, he always succeeded. It's not that hard when you're charming, caring, sexy... A guy that puts those he cares about first.

But all of it that didn't matter. Or else; it all mattered too much.

In the end of the day, when you are in a relationship with that kind of guy it's hard to remain in a self-control state; it's hard not to fall for him completely. He is a passionate, funny, intelligent guy; a guy you can sleep with, laugh with and talk with, and he will top any other guy, easily.

"There is no catch," Alicia mumbled, depressed.

It's not as if Will Gardner was a saint, as awfully a lot of people tried to tell Alicia in many steps of the way (Stern, Peter and many others). And they're not wrong. Alicia could imagine how Will probably treated them; he is not the perfect guy for those he doesn't care about.

But in many steps of the way, Alicia learned that she is not just a girl he cared about, she is _the_ girl he cared about. She has always been the real thing to him, that one person he can be his normal caring self with.

His real self that he only showed her, because it's bad for business. During the way Alicia damaged his business _just_ for being the one person he showed his true self to (he pushed for her to get into the firm and by that owed David Lee a favor, he pushed for her to be a partner and by that got hurt by her quiting the firm), and this is just the things that hurt him by _her_ knowing. If he would have been that way to everyone he would have been jobless.

Will loved her; she knows he did, and he probably knew she knows.

But what about her?

Well, she wasn't able to take it.

It's sad, but it's true.

Will Gardner was the perfect love for her.

Ever since they met at Georgetown, through life and careers and buried dreams and wishes, she always deep down knew that Will was the perfect man for her. Someone who will support and protect, someone who will love, care and appreciate. Someone who will never ever consider cheating, because it means hurting her. Someone that will notice from a facial experience or a change of tone that she is sad, confused or upset, and someone who will care and try to help her.

Will Gardner always managed to calm her down when she was upset, or make her smile when she was sad.

Will Gardner was also her secret day-dream, her longing wish, her 20 years old crush.

Will Gardner was her best friend, her best lover, and if given the chance could have been the best husband to hope for.

Too bad she wasn't brave enough.

Will Gardner was perfect for her, true.

She would smile, laugh and cry for him with all her heart and soul, true.

But all of it didn't matter.

To give in, to completely fall for Will Gardner (which would have been extremely easy for her) meant to lose her control in her life; to let go of her responsibilities and authorities, and let go of the other things that help her ignore herself.

Will Gardner was the first and the only person who wanted to be with her for _her_.

That wanted to look at _her._

To see _her. _

To ignore distractions; to look at the person she is, the person he thought was wonderful and the person he thought should get attention.

Should get affection.

Should get love.

And she didn't want it. She didn't want to put herself first. She didn't think it's right, she didn't think she can let someone else put her first.

She always does that herself; she always puts others first. And unlike Will, who did a lot to himself as well, she couldn't combine between the two; she couldn't put herself and others first.

When someone suddenly did it- when someone noticed her and wanted to take care of her needs and wishes, it threw her off balance. It made her feel feelings that she never knew she could feel, that she never thought she is capable of feeling. Those feelings made her the happiest she ever was, and the most scared she ever was to lose control.

It made her break his heart too many times until it was too late.

Alicia can smile and say that she is happy.

Truth is, in her whole life, she was only truly happy once, when she allowed herself for an hour to lose herself in the arms of a man who loved her in a pure, selfless way.

And just that short incident scared her to death.

* * *

**RIP Will Gardner, he will always be missed.**


End file.
